Did our fall vacation and read a very popular book. Made some notes on my phone at the campsite and put them here.
It is a good book the simple idea of just letting someone do what the heck they are doing and that frees me to do what the heck I think is necessary for me. It’s good.
Mel’s life has been a train wreck for most of it. Her speaking career and books all come from listening to herself during upheavals. She’s likely the top speaker in the world from this book. The introduction makes if clear it has been a messy ride. But it’s “eat the meat and spit out the bones”.
Not all of this applies to you, or people you know. It’s just a book. I think for the length it covers a bunch of stuff. From my clinical experience it misses a BUNCH of stuff, but all books do.
So take it all with a pinch of salt. It’s not medical or counselling advise, it is notes I interpreted from a book by a camper. enjoy.
Let them www.melrobbins.com
Has some free stuff.
5 second rule. Count down 5-4-3-2-1 and go do it. Her first book. It helps get people to do it, start it, and continue it.
Let Them (LT) Let Me (LM) or LTLM her theory is drawn from many sources some are:
Stoicism. Focus on controlling your own thoughts and actions. Not the thoughts and actions of others. Let them-Let me LTLM lets you focus on yourself. Where the power lies.
Buddhism. Suffering comes from resisting reality. Pain can stem from wishing things were different than they are. LTLM via that I am acknowledge their actions and choices are not mine to control. Thereby reclaiming my emotional freedom.
Detachment theory. Distance me from triggers. LTLM. Is practicing detach. It makes a mental gap. Giving time to observe what’s happening without being consumed. Equals calm, control. You hold your power by choosing how you respond.
LTLM helps between impulse and action to give a beat and let you mentally catch up to what’s going on. Most folks are in a stress state most of the time. It takes recognizing what’s going on and calming the amygdala to reset into para-sympathetic.
Stress hits LT and you get that pause. The LM take a breath. Repeat till calm. Many times what you’re letting them do is a pain. But they ARE doing it. So the Let Me is sometimes enduring it, modifying what you’re doing etc. life isn’t perfect. You can control what you can control. That’s it. But by taking the control you have. That’s a good thing for the mind.
Mel quotes this person:
The 5 Resets: Rewire Your Brain and Body for Less Stress and More Resilience by Dr. Aditi Nerurkar:
- The book teaches that stress isn’t the enemy — it’s a signal that your mind and body are out of sync and need a reset.
- Dr. Nerurkar outlines five simple resets: clarify what matters most, find quiet in a noisy world, sync your brain and body, take breaks to recharge, and bring your best self forward.
- Each reset uses small, science-based habits like mindful breathing, digital boundaries, and self-compassion to reduce overload.
- By practicing only one or two resets at a time, you avoid burnout and gradually build resilience.
- The goal isn’t to eliminate stress, but to rewire your brain so stress becomes a source of strength rather than exhaustion.
When I say LT I stop trying to control what someone else is doing. When I say LM I take responsibility for how I respond. Which may or may not take work, researching, courage, lots of time… it may be hard and difficult but compared to what?
1. Problem. Ppl will do things that bother, annoy, stress… me. It will happen and I can’t control it. When I allow others actions to stress me I give them power over me. Which is draining.
2. Truth. My body will respond to the stress. It’s hardwired. That isn’t easily controlled until I’ve reset it which takes awareness and action and enough practice to be a stronger. Calm signal vs the stress signal.
3. Solution. LTLM the power is controlling the response. The LT is the pause to do LM which calms, gives control back to me. It is interesting to ponder Sam Masich idea of just be in the correct condition to receive force at all times. And it’s basically automatic what happens. Likely a lot of practice.
“What are you going to do with your one wild and precious life?” I don’t know what you will do but I do know others will have an opinion about it! Say what you want but you do care what others think about you. Maybe not everyone but some.
It’s again hardwired in us. We need a community. And our community’s opinion matters. Many times we become paralyzed by those opinions and now they own you.
We procrastinate, self doubt, paralysis by perfectionism and over think. LTLM let me make moves. Small if needed, boldly and unapologetically. It’s life changing.
Adults have about 70,000 thoughts a day. Most are random. Which do they choose to express and how is that selected and how can you control it. You can’t.
You LT. Even people you love you have negative thoughts about. But you still love them.
You can’t even control the creation of negative thoughts to your kids. So how could others? We all have negative thoughts about people we know and total strangers. But it doesn’t mean all the thoughts are bad.
Many things are true at the same time. Eg He upsets me and I still love him. LT and you get to LM live your life. We are generally afraid of judgement, so we avoid somehow to do anything and our precious life just disappears. Time marches on.
Give ppl the freedom to judge you and you the freedom to live your life. Make decisions that make you proud. You don’t get to flatten others. It’s a balance. But likely most people are far from balanced in their favour. It can be really crazy to try and please people or multiple people.
As those people are relying on you to please them. Well it’s not possible.
Happiness is internally generated, yes external stimulus is part but how the person interprets that stimulus is critical. People that need others to make them happy interpret inputs weird.
Eg. You have two big events on the same weekend. You go to one on Friday and the other on Saturday. It was crazy hard to make them both but you did. Are they happy?
Likely not as you missed the surprise on the Friday and the whatever on the Saturday. You’re dammed if you do and dammed if you don’t.
Unless you did it to make you happy.
As you really can not “make” others happy.
LTLM you have to let them interpret it as they do. You can talk to them, educate them… but in the end let them. And if you chose you “let me” and that’s as good as you can get.
Adults are really 8 year olds in bigger bodys and generally better at hiding their emotions – most of the time. It’s an interesting thought that most people have not had instruction on how to handle their emotions since they were kids.
Emotional maturity is a skill like all others. It takes instruction, time to practice and the understanding you will not get the correct response all the time. When those times come how will you react?
Give that a think.
Likely we should have a line to people “this topic is on the edge of my emotional skill set. I may respond incorrectly by accident. Please have some understanding and feedback what your experiencing. So we can work to the end of this.” Adults without adult training. Generally do what they saw as kids.
LTLM can provide the pause to recognize we are in childlike patterns and adult up.
Ask? Do the feelings fit the circumstances?
If you were on a nice beach, fed, watered and rested and watched a video of an interaction between people with medium to strong emotions. Ask yourself are those emotions reasonable for what happened.
If yes, good. If no then it is likely an adult acting like an 8 year old. What would you need to think, do, feel, and emote to have a reasonable emotional response? Then play back the hours of mental video from your past adult 8 year old tantrums and start learning and adulting yourself.
“Hoping someone will change is what keeps you trapped in a relationship with someone who is emotionally, immature or worse emotional abusive.”
This has nothing to do with you. The person will need something in their life that makes them change. But it is unlikely as they are immature and so are you for hoping someone will change.
If someone is going to act like a 8 year old, visualize a 8 year old trapped in their body. Controlling the “adult shape”. Let them. Then let me do the changes I need. Noticing you are the 8 year old. Let them, let the emotions rise up and notice them.
Acknowledge them. Let me not react to them, don’t eat, drink, watch tv, doom scroll.
For as the emotions rise, they will fall.
Most emotions will rise (inrush of endorphins) and start subsiding within 90 seconds!
It’s very difficult to control the rise up of your emotions. And not possible in others.
Generally emotions happen before cognition is possible. The LTLM is to notice asap and deescalate asap.
But generally some emotional chemistry has been released. So if you don’t react to their emotions, it could be over in 90 seconds.
But the mirror neuron cells make that hard. You will likely have some automatic response.
Can you Let Me just have it or will you respond to it. If you do. They can respond to it and away it goes. And that’s why 8 year olds just flip out as it’s a bit of work not to.
People are allowed to have emotions. Some very strong and unpleasant. They can have those emotional feelings for as long as they like. I may not think it’s healthy and it might not be. I can Let Me offer help, resources. Etc Negative emotions are a mentally healthy response to life’s upsets.
How to handle when I get big emotions?
Ride the wave. Think of emotions like the ocean. Some days are calm waters others some chop, bigger waves to hurricanes. It comes and goes. Some weather events need training and equip to survive others not. It’s up to you to build the tools to handle the storms. Let Them. Feel the emotions they will recede. This too shall pass.
When you say, let them you give others the space to experience their emotions without making it your responsibility to manage or fix them. When you say let me, you find the courage to make the right decision for you even if it will feel wrong for others.
It’s time to grow up and act like a mature adult. Life at times is not fair. Like cards it’s more about how you play the hand and less about the deal. Focus on the cards you have and play them.
Mom said. You can pull over and have a pity party. Just not for long.
The problem isn’t the tendency to compare. The problem is what you were doing with the comparison that matters. So ask yourself what are you doing when you compare, are you torturing yourself or is it teaching you something important? There are two types of comparison, torture or teacher.
Some people get a great deal of the cards (or so it appears). How do you get those cards. If you are comparing and there is nothing you can do in the next week to change it.
Then likely you will never be able to. Eg. Height, body shape, family connections, stock buy…. It’s very important to understand things you can and cannot change.
Comparing to something you can not change, no matter how hard you try is just torturing you. You must let them. Not always easy. But worth it. You are adulting.
Putting in the reps to get the control of you that you can get. Upward comparison. You compare yourself to someone better than you. Eg Jessie Cook at guitar. Vs downward comparison.
Seeing how I am better off than the vast majority of people in the world.
Step 1. Stop obsessing about the cards others got dealt. Life isn’t fair. You play with others. Not against them.
That’s how you win in life.
Psychologist say many behavioural issue come from our obsessiveness for control. As you cannot control much at all. This often makes people feel more out of control and it all goes pear shape.
Stop.
Let them live their lives and I’ll focus on mine.
How to make comparison your teacher.
If someone has done what you are thinking about.
4 minute mile story. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Roger_Bannister It was impossible then Banister did it and about a dozen more did it within a year. How?
A. Then knew for a fact it was possible.
B. Banister said how he did it and they mostly copied his idea.
Yes. If you have no legs it would look different. If you have no tone, you are never leading a premier opera. Remember life is not always fair and you need to play the cards you have been dealt. But generally if someone has done “it” with similar cards to you, then with similar work, so can you.
What is it that needs to be done to get it? Then do the reps. Success is a lot of repetitive boring stuff. A lot.
Tom Brady.”the truth is you don’t have to be special. You have to have what most people aren’t, consistent, determined and willing to work for it”. Generally you see someone have what you want and you get angry. Good. That’s the motivational force to get you moving.
E-motive force, emotions.
It’s fear and poor judgment holding us back. Make a plan and get going. It will be hard. Let It and it may Let You succeed. Nothing is guaranteed but you know what you have at this moment.
How’s that going?
Friendships:
Friends – it’s easy to get friends as kids because the schedules are synchronized. They are at school and so are you. They have summer break and so do you. They joined soccer and ….
Then the great scattering. They go all over the place and so did you. University has some overlaps. But then that’s over then it’s job, kids, ageing parents, retirement, grandchildren…
It’s never easy to sync up again. Hence it’s easy for our adult friends to come and go.
It takes a lot of hours to get to know someone. Which is why schools works and adult life is tougher.
3 pillars of friendship. Proximity, timing and energy.
Proximity. If you’re around them lots it’s easier to be buddies.
Timing. What stage of life are you in and what stage are they in. You may have different time availability.
Energy. Sometimes you click with people and sometimes you don’t. Maybe if you met last year, tomorrow, maybe if you had better blood sugars. You could have been friends.
Also energy’s change. They start liking hockey not baseball…
It’s okay we all mature/change. The mistake is to obsess over what is wrong, kindness and admiration for the other person.
We were best friends at stage X and we might not be at stage Y and that’s okay.
Some people are there for a season or a chapter. Others for a day.
People got a lot going on. They may “want” to text you back, or call or …. But their kid is sick, job demands, paying bills. The are more urgent, pressing or necessary to them than you are.
LT.
How to create great friendships.
It takes a year of putting yourself out there. It’s a LM. Let me introduce myself first. Lm ask people to join us. Lots of let me. Put yourself out there. Most folks are lonely and looking for some friends also.
How to change people:
You can’t.
A fundamental human law is people need to feel in control of their decisions. You need to LT be who they are. You’re driving yourself nuts and likely them.
When you push a human to do something they will often push back. People change when they “feel” like it. Not when you do.
Why can’t I motivate them?
Motivation is motivating the feeling and they don’t have it. Or not enough of it to carry them through to a new habit.
Dr Alok Kanojia aka Dr K. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alok_Kanojia
Behaviour change guru
People are wired to move towards pleasure and away from pain. So the bag of chips is good now, the couch is comfy now, the gym is going to make me sore. I like chocolate not carrots.
People need to separate themselves from the pain.
“Exercise is going to suck, but I am going to do it anyway.”
The person has to decide to override the pain to get “it”.
You can not do that for them.
And there is more, Scientists say “ every single person thinks they are the exception”
That’s why the fat guy thinks they won’t die of a heart attack. Everybody else will but not me. Tell a guy. You do X and I’ll do Y. They think nahh he won’t.
Brain scans can actually show when we hear something negative we don’t like our brain area down regulates and we literally don’t hear and/or understand them.
People do (long term) what they feel like doing. Stop punishing them and you for not changing on your timeline. Stop motivating them to do something the clearly don’t want to do.
LT Be an adult. Not a 8 year old. Now it’s LM.
We can inspire people.
Which can influence people which can lead to change.
Social contagion is how much of marketing works. You model the behaviour, then make sure you describe how wonderful it is. You really need to do the change for you. They could take a long time to pick it up. In that time if you get resentful it will likely fail.
It’s a lot of LTLM Pg 207-222 has a lot of examples.
Helping someone who is struggling Dr Nicole LePera aka the Holistic Psychologist
**Nicole LePera has her fair share of haters on the internet. I don’t know anything about her.**
The same people don’t get cured for the kids or you or work. They need to feel like changing. It can be very difficult. When you’re dealing with a kid, you (parent guardian) are responsible for their emotional, financial and physical support. When dealing with an adult, you are not. (There are exceptions).
You may not understand their mental state and wellness you may think you would act differently if you were in the same situation.
None of that matters.
All of your opinions are judgements and all your judgements of the other person and what you think they should do is part of the problem because it translates to pressure.
You may need an outlet for your judgment, a therapist a friend something because it won’t help to aim it at the other person your judgement that is.
In times of struggle what the other person needs is acceptance, let them struggle and accept they are struggling.
Love them yes, but it’s a thin line what’s support and what is enabling. LTLM teaches you that helping doesn’t mean solving their problem for them.
It means giving them the space support and tools to do it themselves.
When they are ready to do the hard work. If the perceived cost of avoiding the problem is more than the cost of the covering behaviour.
A person will likely never change. Ie if drinking never really ruins my life and allows me to avoid my childhood issues. Then I’ll keep drinking.
But if my life crumbles apart.
I may get help and workout those issues. I may not.
But another person can’t make me do it. Somewhere in all of this is the reality many people don’t even know there is help or even they are burying stuff.
Many many people are blissfully unaware they are a hot mess.
I think there can be value in telling them. Most of the time they will not believe you or worse blame you for xyz. But I think there is value in trying.
Dr Robert Waldinger Harvard study of adult development. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Robert_J._Waldinger
She has a chapter on what you can do.
Never give money without string attached.
But when they break those rules you’ll have to cut them off.
You can support them by being there.
Calling texting getting food. Taking them for walks, exercise class…
People avoid healing because they don’t believe that can face the pain that are running from.
So let them borrow their belief from you. When someone feels accepted, loved, and supported it’s easier for them to believe in their ability to step back into life.
Believe in their ability to heal and create an environment where change is possible. Let them show you who they are.
There is sort of a chapter on dating.
I didn’t take a lot of notes on it.
You need to be really picky. You need to actually notice what they’re doing versus what they’re saying.
People will show you who they are by their actions and you have to appreciate those actions.
You can never make them want you. You may want them. That’s not how it works.
One of the good things about going on lots of dates if you learn a lot about what you do and don’t like, but you wouldn’t know unless you had exposure to different people showing you different experiences.
Your job isn’t to interpreter second-guess it. Your job is to let people reveal who they are and how they truly feel about you and accept it and by the way, that’s true in every stage of a relationship.
People are at all kinds of different stages.
Remember we’re outside of school and we’re all going through life at different rates and speeds. They may not be into you at this moment.
Maybe they were 10 years ago..
Maybe they would be in 10 years but today is now and you have to be with today.
Don’t be with people for potential be with them for what you have now.
This is a funny quote in the book “if someone likes you, you’ll know and if they don’t, you’ll be confused”
Let them ghost you, Let Me move on. Mixed signals aren’t mixed at all they send a very clear message that you are not a priority.
You’re a convenience quit chasing things you can’t catch. If a person is always dating the wrong person, they just won’t commit.
It’s the person‘s problem there on rescue mission they’re trying to fix people. They hope it’ll turn into something.
You might need to do some work on cleaning up your concept of what a healthy relationship is. That means be single for a while and get some therapy.
If you sit down with them and say this great I want to be in a relationship at the next level. Are you on that page also. If not. Say goodbye.
If you choose to stay hoping they’ll change, want kids, want marriage, want xyz after they just said they don’t. It’s all on you.
Call your therapist something deeper is going on.
Getting a soul mate is like everything else. It takes work, some luck, courage, humility and time.
If relationships you need to decide if “it’s” a deal breaker. You have asked open ended questions. You backed off for 6 months. You celebrated what progress there was. And in reality it’s all mostly the same. Decide. Is it a deal beaker?
If yes End the relationship. If No End your complaining and live with it. More stuff on relationship management, breaking up and “surviving heartbreak” read the book if relevant to you.
E-chapter on parenting melrobbins.com/parenting
E-chapter in teams. melrobbins.com/work
she refers to “A-B-C loops” and “D-E-F loops” (or sometimes “ABCs vs DEFs”) as a shorthand for mental and emotional habit loops that determine how we react to life.
Here’s a quick summary of what she means:
🧠 Mel Robbins’ ABC / DEF Loops – Summary
1️⃣ The “A-B-C Loop”: Your Automatic Stress Loop
- A = Activating event — something happens (a trigger: email, comment, thought).
- B = Belief — your brain interprets it automatically (“I’m not good enough,” “This always happens”).
- C = Consequence — emotional or physical reaction (stress, anger, avoidance).
👉 This is the default mental loop most of us run unconsciously — a reactive pattern that keeps us stressed or stuck.
2️⃣ The “D-E-F Loop”: Your Intentional Response Loop
Mel reframes it with three new steps to help you reset that cycle:
- D = Disrupt the pattern — pause and notice what’s happening (the trigger + belief).
- E = Energize or Empower yourself — take one small, grounding action (breath, movement, 5-second rule, reframing).
- F = Focus forward — choose your next thought or step consciously, instead of spiraling in the old loop.
👉 The DEF loop replaces reaction with intention — it’s how you “catch” yourself in the old stress habit and pivot toward action, calm, or confidence.
🔁 Bottom Line
Mel’s point is that our minds run loops, not lines — meaning we repeat patterns until we consciously interrupt them.
Switching from ABC (automatic) to DEF (deliberate) gives you back control over how you think, feel, and act.
“You can’t stop the first thought — but you can choose the next one.” – Mel Robbins
There is more, there always is. But that’s what I got out of the book.
Be Well,
Ward Willison R.Ac.
allbodycare.com
Kelowna Acupuncture & Other Natural Therapies